"I love you more than I know how to feel"

Friday, July 27, 2012

my little heart

so girls...to those who have been following my blog, i'm sorry i haven't updated for a LONG time. let me explain my situation. I love cody with more than my whole heart and after he left, i fell into a deep depression. I wouldn't  like to say I gave up on life or anything, but seriously it was the hardest thing I have done in my life and i was really low. I did make spiritual progress and such but my life was seriously very dark and sad. Well i met this guy who made me happy and i started pouring out my heart to him and started to lean on him emotionally and really started using him as my support. I realize this now. I seriously needed something/someone to care about me/be there for me. Anyways, he understood about Cody and i could talk to him about cody and he was taking care of me. we hung out EVERY day. I was happy for the first time in a LONG time. All of a sudden he changed and became... i am going to say emotionally abusive. He really started playing with my head and my heart and kept this up for a long time. Eventually he took my already bearly beating heart and pretty much threw it back at me. Well, I am at home now, and I have just realized just how amazing cody is. seriously. i sincerely believe that i am possibly not good enough for him. who deserves an angel?
Even through the whole ordeal with "guy" I was praying about it and i did feel the impression that he was supposed to be in my life or maybe i was supposed to be in his but lately i have been wondering "why?" why the devil was this guy supposed to come into my life and hurt me when i was already hurt? I think it was so i could really really appreciate what cody and i have. cody treats me SO well. he truly cares about me probably more than he cares about himself. I can't get over it. i love cody more than i can feel and i really think i let myself fall into this other guys hands because he was a temporary drug to me. he almost let me escape my sadness, and it was a drug i kept going back to even when i knew he was hurting me. I guess i am letting you know that i didn't update my blog because my head was confused and i didn't know where i stood, with my head and with my heart. I have now realized how utterly AMAZING cody is and i have recently updated my blog with some pictures. i love you elder norman. i really do.
well, that is my story- feeling like a survivor. i miss my cody
i have had SUCH a hard time writing this because it is very hard for me to open up my heart and share my feelings now.  and sometimes people will say the rudest inconsiderate things to me about cody and my's relationship when it is absolutely none of their business. i don't like people to talk about me and i wish people would realize, like i have, that we HAVE to lean on the Lord and let him guide our paths. And we can't make assumptions of where other's paths should lead.
so this is me being honest-life has been a trial. i believe in cody and me. i also am going to go in whichever direction the Lord puts me. even IF that is down a path that doesn't have cody in it if it's the right thing to do. ONLY because wherever the lord puts me is where i am supposed to be. 
i didn't think it was possible, but i believe my love for elder norman has grown even deeper...i didn't think that was possible 

1 comment:

  1. I've had experiences like this. There is a certain guy that was in my life (for a short time, but still there) and it was RIGHT before i met Jay (like, literally 2 weeks before!) I wonder sometimes why i had to deal with such a creeper like him, but then i remember that when Jay walked into my life i was able to see how amazing he truly was.

    Sometimes we need that.

    I love you sweetie and i'm here anytime you need to talk. Lots and lots and lots of love for you!